So…I’ve been asked,
“When are you going to write again?”
Well I’ve struggled, as there are so many things I want to write about. Your mind gets full when you sit for a while. When you stew because you feel you thought the player across the table was bluffing and you caught the inside straight you drew to…only to find the player had the Kings over nines boat. As you walk dejected from the table trying to figure how the next round of bills will be paid, you understand the bigger issue, the heart you know you’ve unintentionally broken. You have no way to side step this mess. You have to have the conversation, you just don’t know how to make it not hurt cuz there is no way. Then as you look into her eyes and try to explain what happened, suddenly your mind flashes, and you realize, that was an odd movement when she scratched her ear. You blink the visions back…Did the dealer just slide that top card back and deal her a second, was that a base deal to me???
The lump in your throat tightens as you see her eyes start to mist over, you haven’t said a word but she knows. You suddenly realize you were set up and knocked down like a bowling pin. To make matters worse you start hearing all that shit your father told growing up about how unfair life is. But more importantly you start second guessing yourself because you knew the outcome long before it happened and you stayed to play the game. You knew the rules were fixed for the house and the house was fraught with cheats. But you stayed anyway.
Well when your mind gets full you just start to write and suddenly things start to flow. You start to remember the joy you once felt getting up a four-thirty every morning smelling the fresh ground Sumatra Mandheling permeating the air and filling your nostrils. How much you enjoyed listening and watching the world wake up. It really is the little things we take for granted that mean the most.
You know, the smell of the flowers, the smile from the pretty girl you give them to. The satisfaction of knowing you made someones day better by just doing a simple act of kindness. The sound of the birds, the bees humming as they dance on the flowers. You remember how you missed the neighbors dog bark in the morning at the kids on their way to school. Yeah all those little things.
As you try to make sense of it all you realize it’s an attempt at futility. However, you also get satisfaction knowing you will be able to make the dealer and player very uncomfortable. The sensation becomes sweeter because you know don’t have to go out of your way, you just need to tell the truth. You didn’t cheat the dealer did. You did reap the benifits the player did. As kliche as it is you say it anyway…Karma’s a Bitch…yeah you know that it will be a struggle but you know you’ll do it. You know you’ll figure it out because the look in those eyes and the sound in her voice burn right through your soul, amends must be made.
You reach out, grab the life line from those whom never stopped believing in you and send encouragement every opportunity they get. Those that never stopped pushing you, never stopped being a part of your day and making said day better then the day before. You reach out to the past because there are good memories and good people that will point you in the right direction. You find people like Little Man and have that conversation because you know it’s dose of reality you need. You know you can’t go back to the table no matter how bad you want to. So you reach inside.
There are echo’s rattling around the canyons of your mind, shadows streaking in the corners of your eye. You shake the cobwebs from you mind. when you realize the reality of the circumstances you ask…
What the hell happened while I was asleep?
Until Next Time,
Written by: Aaron Aveiro
Photos by Aaron Aveiro